Boobs, breasts, tits... fuck 'em. Or rather when it comes to them being on me, fuck no.
It seems like wanting to get rid of them is the only part of the transition process I consistantly want. They just don't make sense. Seriously, what purpose do two mounds of jiggly flesh and fat on my chest serve, other than being obnoxious. I'm lucky enough to be a B-cup on a good day (or maybe bad day?) and thats way more than I ever want to deal with.
Every once in a while I will find my self shirt-less in front of a mirror, and I find my breasts humorous at best. What the fuck? I see them as something that doesn't belong. What's wrong with this picture? I have boobs.
It seems like most other parts of being biologically female are tolerable though. I kinda have curvy hips? A hoodie will hide them. My voice is high? I can practice speaking in a lower octave. At least having scoliosis canceled out the hour glass figure.
I still cant seem to commit to wanting to go on Testosterone however. I want to be perceived as male though. I want it to be enough to wear mens clothes and have people call me Kyle. But T means therapy sessions, and going to court to change my name and gender marker, and comming out to aunts and uncles, and all of that is super intimidating.
I've gotten good at living a double life. I've figured out how to be between genders. It's within my comfort zone to be a masculine female, or androgenous, or genderqueer, or a no-op no-T trans man.
I still hate having boobs though.
1.23.2010
1.09.2010
My mother, myself, and alcohol...
3 and a half years ago, I had to call an ambulance for my mother. An hour ago, she asked for details about what had happened, and how she ended up in the hospital. It was a conversation I never expected to have, and wasn't sure about how to answer. And there was a major part of the story that she will never know.
My mother is Bi-polar. Let's start with that. When things are good, she takes depakote as prescribed to her, and for the most part, life is good. Not everything was good 3 1/2 years ago though. I was 21, almost 22, and hating that I still lived with her. We fought constantly, and I got kicked out of the house on a 3 week rotation. It was a regular thing. I would get home high and/or drunk between 3 and 4 in the morning too many days in a row. We would fight and she would say I needed to figure out a different living situation. I would couch surf with friends for a couple days till she called to apologise, saying she was sorry and wanted me to come back, and I would return. Life was good for the next couple weeks.
We were on week two of the cycle, (when I was about to get kicked out again) when I found her. I was on my way to check my e-mail (which meant going downstairs and passing her bedroom) before work when I noticed the TV was still on. I peeked into her room, and saw that she was on the floor out side the bathroom of the master suite. She was topless, but still wearing her pants, and shivering. I couldn't wake her up, and eventually called an ambulance for her.
In a perfect world, I called immediately, and everything works out ok. I, however, did not live in a perfect world. He had been fighting the past couple days. She had been forcing me to drink water every time she decided a situation was too stressful. I almost left her alone, almost pretended I had never found her unconscious, and almost went to work like everything was normal. I stood in the doorway, thinking about how much better my life could be if she didn't exist anymore, if I didn't have a bi-polar mother who decided not to take her meds anymore, and wondering what she might have left me in her will.
In my real world, I eventually called 911, and she was saved from slipping into a coma from a sodium deficiency that could have killed her. I sat in the waiting room long enough to hear that she had woken up and would be ok, and then went to a friends house to cry and get high. and then I tried to forget about it. I blocked out the fact that I had almost let my mother die.
And then tonight we drank wine together in the kitchen, and became way too honest. and she asked about that night, and I told her everything except how I almost left that day. everything but how I almost let her die because I thought it might make my life easier.
My mother is Bi-polar. Let's start with that. When things are good, she takes depakote as prescribed to her, and for the most part, life is good. Not everything was good 3 1/2 years ago though. I was 21, almost 22, and hating that I still lived with her. We fought constantly, and I got kicked out of the house on a 3 week rotation. It was a regular thing. I would get home high and/or drunk between 3 and 4 in the morning too many days in a row. We would fight and she would say I needed to figure out a different living situation. I would couch surf with friends for a couple days till she called to apologise, saying she was sorry and wanted me to come back, and I would return. Life was good for the next couple weeks.
We were on week two of the cycle, (when I was about to get kicked out again) when I found her. I was on my way to check my e-mail (which meant going downstairs and passing her bedroom) before work when I noticed the TV was still on. I peeked into her room, and saw that she was on the floor out side the bathroom of the master suite. She was topless, but still wearing her pants, and shivering. I couldn't wake her up, and eventually called an ambulance for her.
In a perfect world, I called immediately, and everything works out ok. I, however, did not live in a perfect world. He had been fighting the past couple days. She had been forcing me to drink water every time she decided a situation was too stressful. I almost left her alone, almost pretended I had never found her unconscious, and almost went to work like everything was normal. I stood in the doorway, thinking about how much better my life could be if she didn't exist anymore, if I didn't have a bi-polar mother who decided not to take her meds anymore, and wondering what she might have left me in her will.
In my real world, I eventually called 911, and she was saved from slipping into a coma from a sodium deficiency that could have killed her. I sat in the waiting room long enough to hear that she had woken up and would be ok, and then went to a friends house to cry and get high. and then I tried to forget about it. I blocked out the fact that I had almost let my mother die.
And then tonight we drank wine together in the kitchen, and became way too honest. and she asked about that night, and I told her everything except how I almost left that day. everything but how I almost let her die because I thought it might make my life easier.
11.10.2009
Creating my own Gender
I feel like everytime I update this blog, I have a new Identity. So I guess it should be no surprise that once again, it's changed. I guess in many ways I still identify as genderqueer, or neither-sexed, but I feel like I'm moving away from that and feeling more trans lately. It's definitly an evolving, complicated, and sometimes confusing process toward ultimately identifying as male.
I am Trans. I can say it out loud with out freaking out now. I'm also moving forward toward transitioning, while still struggling with staying who I actually am, and maintaining a queer identity. I bind my chest everyday now, have began to change my name and have asked people to call me Kyle and use male pronouns with me, and so far it's not nearly as scary as I thought. My friends have been amazing so far and have agreed to use my preferred name.
So now what? Research. Lots of research. I found an alternate method to transition without Testosterone injections that I'm interested in trying, called Natural Transitioning (NT) that seems like a good fit for me.
The main idea behind NT is that EVERYONE (females included!) produce testosterone, and there are ways to increase the amount produced through diet, exercise and suplements. I'ts basic body building.
Diet- Lots of foods will help to increase testosterone, so step one is to modify my diet to include lots of these foods. Garlic, green leafy vegetables, avocado, cabbage, white meat chicken and turkey, salt water fish, eggs, whole grains like oatmeal and quinoa. Also, the higher your body fat percentage is the more estrogen is produced, so I'm trying to eat as low fat as possible, and also trying to cut out refined sugars so no more soda, white bread, and white rice.
Weight training- As I mentioned earlier, higher body fat = increased estrogen production, so upping the cardio and adding in some more weight training excercises to build more muscle mass. Because men typically have broader shoulders and more squared torso's than women, gaining muscle in the upper arms, shoulders and chest, while also workig the ab muscles (especially sides... it that the obliques?) will give a more typical male appearance in terms of curves and body shape.
Supplements- This is the big one. So I've got the diet that focuses on testosterone increases foods and lowers body fat, I'm getting into a workout routine to work my upper body more, but that will only get me so far. Supplements are what really makes the big difference.
-ZMA- zinc, magnesium and b-6 in precise amounts that will work together to increase testosterone.
-Tribulus Terrestris- stimulates the anterior pituitary to produce LH (luteinizing hormone) which is responsible for "telling" your body to produce testosterone.
-DHEA- stimulate hair growth and deepens voice. Side effects can include increased temper and acne among other fun things, but so do the Testosterone injections that most trans guys use.
Fish oil- among other benefits, works as a mood stablilizer to help controll mood swings caused by increased Testoserone levels, and helps you focus your ADD.
Milk thistle- prevents and repairs liver damage, and is very important when taking supplements as many of them are processed in the liver.
So thats my plan. From what I have read, the results are not nearly as quick or "good" as injections, but I'm ok with that. I don't feel the need to completely pass all the time and be as masculine as possible in order to identify as male. I don't need to erase all traces of my female past to feel comfortable with myself and become who I feel I truly am. I feel like this process will be right for my queer identity, to make me appear even more androgenous than I am now, and for now thats enough.
Another reason why I like this plan over T injections... Typically injections are once every 2-4 weeks. This means that you get a huge boost of testosterone into your system right when you get the shot, then it slowly drops over the next couple weeks to a low point and then next shot BAM! huge boost again. That kind of hormonal roller coaster can really mess with your mood. NT however is a very slow daily increase. Its consistant, steady resulting in fewer mood swings and dips in T levels.
I am Trans. I can say it out loud with out freaking out now. I'm also moving forward toward transitioning, while still struggling with staying who I actually am, and maintaining a queer identity. I bind my chest everyday now, have began to change my name and have asked people to call me Kyle and use male pronouns with me, and so far it's not nearly as scary as I thought. My friends have been amazing so far and have agreed to use my preferred name.
So now what? Research. Lots of research. I found an alternate method to transition without Testosterone injections that I'm interested in trying, called Natural Transitioning (NT) that seems like a good fit for me.
The main idea behind NT is that EVERYONE (females included!) produce testosterone, and there are ways to increase the amount produced through diet, exercise and suplements. I'ts basic body building.
Diet- Lots of foods will help to increase testosterone, so step one is to modify my diet to include lots of these foods. Garlic, green leafy vegetables, avocado, cabbage, white meat chicken and turkey, salt water fish, eggs, whole grains like oatmeal and quinoa. Also, the higher your body fat percentage is the more estrogen is produced, so I'm trying to eat as low fat as possible, and also trying to cut out refined sugars so no more soda, white bread, and white rice.
Weight training- As I mentioned earlier, higher body fat = increased estrogen production, so upping the cardio and adding in some more weight training excercises to build more muscle mass. Because men typically have broader shoulders and more squared torso's than women, gaining muscle in the upper arms, shoulders and chest, while also workig the ab muscles (especially sides... it that the obliques?) will give a more typical male appearance in terms of curves and body shape.
Supplements- This is the big one. So I've got the diet that focuses on testosterone increases foods and lowers body fat, I'm getting into a workout routine to work my upper body more, but that will only get me so far. Supplements are what really makes the big difference.
-ZMA- zinc, magnesium and b-6 in precise amounts that will work together to increase testosterone.
-Tribulus Terrestris- stimulates the anterior pituitary to produce LH (luteinizing hormone) which is responsible for "telling" your body to produce testosterone.
-DHEA- stimulate hair growth and deepens voice. Side effects can include increased temper and acne among other fun things, but so do the Testosterone injections that most trans guys use.
Fish oil- among other benefits, works as a mood stablilizer to help controll mood swings caused by increased Testoserone levels, and helps you focus your ADD.
Milk thistle- prevents and repairs liver damage, and is very important when taking supplements as many of them are processed in the liver.
So thats my plan. From what I have read, the results are not nearly as quick or "good" as injections, but I'm ok with that. I don't feel the need to completely pass all the time and be as masculine as possible in order to identify as male. I don't need to erase all traces of my female past to feel comfortable with myself and become who I feel I truly am. I feel like this process will be right for my queer identity, to make me appear even more androgenous than I am now, and for now thats enough.
Another reason why I like this plan over T injections... Typically injections are once every 2-4 weeks. This means that you get a huge boost of testosterone into your system right when you get the shot, then it slowly drops over the next couple weeks to a low point and then next shot BAM! huge boost again. That kind of hormonal roller coaster can really mess with your mood. NT however is a very slow daily increase. Its consistant, steady resulting in fewer mood swings and dips in T levels.
5.20.2009
quick clarification...
I feel like I need to clarify quicky that some of the stuff in my last couple posts has just been hypothetical thoughts, and a lot of random stream of consciousness stuff. Not exactly what I believe is actually currently the situation, although I'm enjoying what ever friends/dating whatever you want to call it is going on. This is kinda cryptic... sorry, most people should just ignore this. (i don't even know who reads this anyway)
On a completely different topic.... Bontrager tubes are currently at the top of my "things that suck" list. Was on my way home from work today, when I realized my back tire felt a little low, so I pull over to pump it up a little. So I have my little complact piece of shit pump, and I get it almost full, when all of a sudden the valve stem snaps in half. What the fuck??!?! Im not THAT strong. So im stuck about 6 miles from home, with a flat tire, and no other tube. Had a patch kit, but that was totally useless. So I start walking, called Dan to see if he could come pick me up, and start digging for money to get on the train. Had $1.30, train is $2.25. Fuck.
Hit Chicago Ave, and OMG! the currency exchange! The fact that I picked up my pay check today had completely slipped my mind till I saw it. Problem solved, cashed my check, and took the train home. Disaster averted.
On a completely different topic.... Bontrager tubes are currently at the top of my "things that suck" list. Was on my way home from work today, when I realized my back tire felt a little low, so I pull over to pump it up a little. So I have my little complact piece of shit pump, and I get it almost full, when all of a sudden the valve stem snaps in half. What the fuck??!?! Im not THAT strong. So im stuck about 6 miles from home, with a flat tire, and no other tube. Had a patch kit, but that was totally useless. So I start walking, called Dan to see if he could come pick me up, and start digging for money to get on the train. Had $1.30, train is $2.25. Fuck.
Hit Chicago Ave, and OMG! the currency exchange! The fact that I picked up my pay check today had completely slipped my mind till I saw it. Problem solved, cashed my check, and took the train home. Disaster averted.
5.19.2009
Some late night rambling
Lots of things going on right now. I'm done with school for the semester. My job is going well, and I'll probably be getting more money soon. I'm dating a super cute, awesome artist beer drinking girl, and I'm kinda nervous about our date tomorrow night. First official date maybe? I'm going to Vermont next week, I leave on Sunday afternoon. My birthday is next tuesday and I'm going to be 25.
On the surface, my life kinda rocks right now. I appear to have direction in my life. I guess I'm happy. Still kinda off though, and still lots of things that are wrong. Somehow I'm still wrong.
Lets start with Joanna. (What is it about the name Joanna..... na) Shes great. She's super cute, and kinda girly but a little punk too. Artist, works with kids. We talked about photography and she wants to teach me some stuff. Photography adventures! Yay! But at the same time, she is a lesbian, and she is attracted to me as a woman... not some gender fuck up of a tranny boi who cringes a little at his female pronouns, even though its not entirely wrong.
I dont know if calling it disphoria is correct, but its been fucking with me lately. Specifically how does my gender, or possibly lack of a gender fit in to having a girlfriend? What does that make me to her? Am I her girlfriend? Boyfriend? Boifriend? Parner? lover? And what do I even want to be? Ideally I would love to talk to her about it, and explain from the beginning that I am genderqueer but more to the male side so possibly transgendered as well. I want to be open to her about binding my chest, how I like to be referred to with male pronouns at times. But I'm afraid to start that conversation. The people who know have been my chosen family for years, who I always have tons of support from. With Andrew and Newton, I'm a guy, he, one of the dudes. But with Joanna, I'm a butch lesbian. We did meet origionally at Formerly Known As, the biggest queer and trans party in the city. I passed as a pre-t, pre-op transman and no one questioned it.
Maybe im overthinking this too much. She approached me while I was clearly binding and looked like a teenage boy, so maybe she knows, or guessed it, or doesn't give a fuck. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see where the conversation goes.
I'm rambling a lot here.... um. Going home next week. I'm excited about it, but a little freaked out too. It's always weird to go back to my moms house. I'ts like Im a guest there now, sleeping on the couch, while my mom gets all excited to spend time with me and go shopping, and actually cooks things that didn't come frozen. I havn't figured out how I'm going to deal with binding. Or possibly not deal with it. She has no idea about it, and I'm not sure I wan't to have that conversation right now. Although it would kind of be a continuation of a conversation from last year, when we sat in the hotel bar drinking jack and cokes after mikes wedding. The genderqueer thing breifly came up, but it was breif, and whiskey had been involved, so I don't really consider it comming out. At least not comming out as my current gender expression.
I'm hoping to make a new binder soon, probably tomorrow so depending on how that works out i'll probably bind when I'm home, but the ace bandage is too much of a hassle without having a bedroom.
This has gotten too long........ so goodnight.
On the surface, my life kinda rocks right now. I appear to have direction in my life. I guess I'm happy. Still kinda off though, and still lots of things that are wrong. Somehow I'm still wrong.
Lets start with Joanna. (What is it about the name Joanna..... na) Shes great. She's super cute, and kinda girly but a little punk too. Artist, works with kids. We talked about photography and she wants to teach me some stuff. Photography adventures! Yay! But at the same time, she is a lesbian, and she is attracted to me as a woman... not some gender fuck up of a tranny boi who cringes a little at his female pronouns, even though its not entirely wrong.
I dont know if calling it disphoria is correct, but its been fucking with me lately. Specifically how does my gender, or possibly lack of a gender fit in to having a girlfriend? What does that make me to her? Am I her girlfriend? Boyfriend? Boifriend? Parner? lover? And what do I even want to be? Ideally I would love to talk to her about it, and explain from the beginning that I am genderqueer but more to the male side so possibly transgendered as well. I want to be open to her about binding my chest, how I like to be referred to with male pronouns at times. But I'm afraid to start that conversation. The people who know have been my chosen family for years, who I always have tons of support from. With Andrew and Newton, I'm a guy, he, one of the dudes. But with Joanna, I'm a butch lesbian. We did meet origionally at Formerly Known As, the biggest queer and trans party in the city. I passed as a pre-t, pre-op transman and no one questioned it.
Maybe im overthinking this too much. She approached me while I was clearly binding and looked like a teenage boy, so maybe she knows, or guessed it, or doesn't give a fuck. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see where the conversation goes.
I'm rambling a lot here.... um. Going home next week. I'm excited about it, but a little freaked out too. It's always weird to go back to my moms house. I'ts like Im a guest there now, sleeping on the couch, while my mom gets all excited to spend time with me and go shopping, and actually cooks things that didn't come frozen. I havn't figured out how I'm going to deal with binding. Or possibly not deal with it. She has no idea about it, and I'm not sure I wan't to have that conversation right now. Although it would kind of be a continuation of a conversation from last year, when we sat in the hotel bar drinking jack and cokes after mikes wedding. The genderqueer thing breifly came up, but it was breif, and whiskey had been involved, so I don't really consider it comming out. At least not comming out as my current gender expression.
I'm hoping to make a new binder soon, probably tomorrow so depending on how that works out i'll probably bind when I'm home, but the ace bandage is too much of a hassle without having a bedroom.
This has gotten too long........ so goodnight.
5.13.2009
A little bit of gender rambling before work
So... I guess the blog is back and heading in a new direction of sorts. Still me and my story for the most part though.
I've come to the conclusion that for me, work is the most gender restricting, uncomfortable place in some ways. Despite being gender neutral in many ways, the uniforms completely enforce the binary of gender, and I feel like I'm being assigned the "correct" side to fit into. Basic work uniform- Black pants, white collared shirt, Black hat, black Apron. Thats cool. I can wear mens clothes to work and it's considered conforming to the uniform. That works for me. But he'res the kicker. Men wear ties. Everything about the dresscode is identicle except that Men wear ties, and women do not. So what does this mean for me? Most days a lot of quiet turmoil as I deal with being constantly percieved and referred to as female, and hearing the words her, and she, and miss, and sometimes sweetie or hun from the geriatric crew, all referring to me. I't gets pretty grating after 8 hours.
And I don't know what to do about it. Are they wrong to refer to me with female pronouns? Well, no... not totally wrong, but not right either. So.... He. HIm. Sir? Maybe that would be better. But would it be right? Not entirely, but again not totally wrong.
I gotta run to work. I'm sure I'll have more to post later.
I've come to the conclusion that for me, work is the most gender restricting, uncomfortable place in some ways. Despite being gender neutral in many ways, the uniforms completely enforce the binary of gender, and I feel like I'm being assigned the "correct" side to fit into. Basic work uniform- Black pants, white collared shirt, Black hat, black Apron. Thats cool. I can wear mens clothes to work and it's considered conforming to the uniform. That works for me. But he'res the kicker. Men wear ties. Everything about the dresscode is identicle except that Men wear ties, and women do not. So what does this mean for me? Most days a lot of quiet turmoil as I deal with being constantly percieved and referred to as female, and hearing the words her, and she, and miss, and sometimes sweetie or hun from the geriatric crew, all referring to me. I't gets pretty grating after 8 hours.
And I don't know what to do about it. Are they wrong to refer to me with female pronouns? Well, no... not totally wrong, but not right either. So.... He. HIm. Sir? Maybe that would be better. But would it be right? Not entirely, but again not totally wrong.
I gotta run to work. I'm sure I'll have more to post later.
5.08.2009
FKA and liking me
I had an awesome couple days recently, but it sucked at the same time. Work is work, it kinda sucks, but its good to be off unemployment, and actually having spending money beyond rent and ramen for almost 5 months. I can actually save money now, and paying tuition, and a biking vacation actually seems possible now.
This semester is almost over. My business plan has been turned in, even though we didn't manage to completely finish it. We had a lot of problems getting together to work on it around everyones class and work schedules. No surprise that it turned into a last minute cram session, complete with compatability issues between my laptop with open office, and the Vista computers at school (that we had to print through) with Microshit word. I have a take home final to finish by thursday, an in class exam on monday night, 2 finals on thursday, and a presentation on thursday, and I'm done. Plus working 30 hours a week. I don't expect to sleep much in the next week.
Finally onto the real topic of this post... FKA and liking me. I've randomly been thinking a lot in the past week about my gender and sexuality. In the past 6 years or so I've come out several times. I've changed my mind between Bisexual and a lesbian, and again to queer after dating an FTM transexual. I've questioned gender a lot too. I was raised steryotipically feminine, including ballet lessons, figure skating, and girl scouts. I dated guys because it was expected of me, and I didn't question it.
Thats all changed though. i finally acknowledged my attraction to women, I came out, I rejected the ideas of "how women are supposed to look and behave", and began to identify as queer, androgenous, and pansexual. So anyway, I've been thinking more about gender and shit, and after tonights amazing experience, I think I've found my self. at least for now.
I have bound my chest on occasion, treating it as a social experience, observing peoples reactions, and judging how I felt about it. I realized that it felt right to me, and that I feel the most comfortable in the grey area. A couple days ago I decided to bind full time, and for the past couple days I have honestly felt comfortable with myslef and my appearance.
Went out to FKA (Formerly Known As) at Big Chicks tonight, with my tits strapped down, and hair gelled up, and fit right in with the transmen, and all the self consious-ness I had felt going out before was gone. I got checked out by gay men and femme chicks, was told several times how cute girls thought I was. If it wasn't for work in the morning, I could have easily hooked up tonight. I did get a hot make out session with a super cute girl tonight though, so still a win.
Newton, Andrew and Tito were amazing tonight too. Also commenting on how I'm a cute boy, and randomly referring to me as he. Newton said that he noticed i seemed more comfortable tonight than he has seen me in a long time. I feel like I;m kinda rambling here, so I'll try to get to some kinda conclusion here...
I'm a biologically female, genderqueer boi. I'm stuck in the middle between male and female, without feeling like either is correct. I'm me.
This semester is almost over. My business plan has been turned in, even though we didn't manage to completely finish it. We had a lot of problems getting together to work on it around everyones class and work schedules. No surprise that it turned into a last minute cram session, complete with compatability issues between my laptop with open office, and the Vista computers at school (that we had to print through) with Microshit word. I have a take home final to finish by thursday, an in class exam on monday night, 2 finals on thursday, and a presentation on thursday, and I'm done. Plus working 30 hours a week. I don't expect to sleep much in the next week.
Finally onto the real topic of this post... FKA and liking me. I've randomly been thinking a lot in the past week about my gender and sexuality. In the past 6 years or so I've come out several times. I've changed my mind between Bisexual and a lesbian, and again to queer after dating an FTM transexual. I've questioned gender a lot too. I was raised steryotipically feminine, including ballet lessons, figure skating, and girl scouts. I dated guys because it was expected of me, and I didn't question it.
Thats all changed though. i finally acknowledged my attraction to women, I came out, I rejected the ideas of "how women are supposed to look and behave", and began to identify as queer, androgenous, and pansexual. So anyway, I've been thinking more about gender and shit, and after tonights amazing experience, I think I've found my self. at least for now.
I have bound my chest on occasion, treating it as a social experience, observing peoples reactions, and judging how I felt about it. I realized that it felt right to me, and that I feel the most comfortable in the grey area. A couple days ago I decided to bind full time, and for the past couple days I have honestly felt comfortable with myslef and my appearance.
Went out to FKA (Formerly Known As) at Big Chicks tonight, with my tits strapped down, and hair gelled up, and fit right in with the transmen, and all the self consious-ness I had felt going out before was gone. I got checked out by gay men and femme chicks, was told several times how cute girls thought I was. If it wasn't for work in the morning, I could have easily hooked up tonight. I did get a hot make out session with a super cute girl tonight though, so still a win.
Newton, Andrew and Tito were amazing tonight too. Also commenting on how I'm a cute boy, and randomly referring to me as he. Newton said that he noticed i seemed more comfortable tonight than he has seen me in a long time. I feel like I;m kinda rambling here, so I'll try to get to some kinda conclusion here...
I'm a biologically female, genderqueer boi. I'm stuck in the middle between male and female, without feeling like either is correct. I'm me.
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