I feel like I need to clarify quicky that some of the stuff in my last couple posts has just been hypothetical thoughts, and a lot of random stream of consciousness stuff. Not exactly what I believe is actually currently the situation, although I'm enjoying what ever friends/dating whatever you want to call it is going on. This is kinda cryptic... sorry, most people should just ignore this. (i don't even know who reads this anyway)
On a completely different topic.... Bontrager tubes are currently at the top of my "things that suck" list. Was on my way home from work today, when I realized my back tire felt a little low, so I pull over to pump it up a little. So I have my little complact piece of shit pump, and I get it almost full, when all of a sudden the valve stem snaps in half. What the fuck??!?! Im not THAT strong. So im stuck about 6 miles from home, with a flat tire, and no other tube. Had a patch kit, but that was totally useless. So I start walking, called Dan to see if he could come pick me up, and start digging for money to get on the train. Had $1.30, train is $2.25. Fuck.
Hit Chicago Ave, and OMG! the currency exchange! The fact that I picked up my pay check today had completely slipped my mind till I saw it. Problem solved, cashed my check, and took the train home. Disaster averted.
5.20.2009
5.19.2009
Some late night rambling
Lots of things going on right now. I'm done with school for the semester. My job is going well, and I'll probably be getting more money soon. I'm dating a super cute, awesome artist beer drinking girl, and I'm kinda nervous about our date tomorrow night. First official date maybe? I'm going to Vermont next week, I leave on Sunday afternoon. My birthday is next tuesday and I'm going to be 25.
On the surface, my life kinda rocks right now. I appear to have direction in my life. I guess I'm happy. Still kinda off though, and still lots of things that are wrong. Somehow I'm still wrong.
Lets start with Joanna. (What is it about the name Joanna..... na) Shes great. She's super cute, and kinda girly but a little punk too. Artist, works with kids. We talked about photography and she wants to teach me some stuff. Photography adventures! Yay! But at the same time, she is a lesbian, and she is attracted to me as a woman... not some gender fuck up of a tranny boi who cringes a little at his female pronouns, even though its not entirely wrong.
I dont know if calling it disphoria is correct, but its been fucking with me lately. Specifically how does my gender, or possibly lack of a gender fit in to having a girlfriend? What does that make me to her? Am I her girlfriend? Boyfriend? Boifriend? Parner? lover? And what do I even want to be? Ideally I would love to talk to her about it, and explain from the beginning that I am genderqueer but more to the male side so possibly transgendered as well. I want to be open to her about binding my chest, how I like to be referred to with male pronouns at times. But I'm afraid to start that conversation. The people who know have been my chosen family for years, who I always have tons of support from. With Andrew and Newton, I'm a guy, he, one of the dudes. But with Joanna, I'm a butch lesbian. We did meet origionally at Formerly Known As, the biggest queer and trans party in the city. I passed as a pre-t, pre-op transman and no one questioned it.
Maybe im overthinking this too much. She approached me while I was clearly binding and looked like a teenage boy, so maybe she knows, or guessed it, or doesn't give a fuck. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see where the conversation goes.
I'm rambling a lot here.... um. Going home next week. I'm excited about it, but a little freaked out too. It's always weird to go back to my moms house. I'ts like Im a guest there now, sleeping on the couch, while my mom gets all excited to spend time with me and go shopping, and actually cooks things that didn't come frozen. I havn't figured out how I'm going to deal with binding. Or possibly not deal with it. She has no idea about it, and I'm not sure I wan't to have that conversation right now. Although it would kind of be a continuation of a conversation from last year, when we sat in the hotel bar drinking jack and cokes after mikes wedding. The genderqueer thing breifly came up, but it was breif, and whiskey had been involved, so I don't really consider it comming out. At least not comming out as my current gender expression.
I'm hoping to make a new binder soon, probably tomorrow so depending on how that works out i'll probably bind when I'm home, but the ace bandage is too much of a hassle without having a bedroom.
This has gotten too long........ so goodnight.
On the surface, my life kinda rocks right now. I appear to have direction in my life. I guess I'm happy. Still kinda off though, and still lots of things that are wrong. Somehow I'm still wrong.
Lets start with Joanna. (What is it about the name Joanna..... na) Shes great. She's super cute, and kinda girly but a little punk too. Artist, works with kids. We talked about photography and she wants to teach me some stuff. Photography adventures! Yay! But at the same time, she is a lesbian, and she is attracted to me as a woman... not some gender fuck up of a tranny boi who cringes a little at his female pronouns, even though its not entirely wrong.
I dont know if calling it disphoria is correct, but its been fucking with me lately. Specifically how does my gender, or possibly lack of a gender fit in to having a girlfriend? What does that make me to her? Am I her girlfriend? Boyfriend? Boifriend? Parner? lover? And what do I even want to be? Ideally I would love to talk to her about it, and explain from the beginning that I am genderqueer but more to the male side so possibly transgendered as well. I want to be open to her about binding my chest, how I like to be referred to with male pronouns at times. But I'm afraid to start that conversation. The people who know have been my chosen family for years, who I always have tons of support from. With Andrew and Newton, I'm a guy, he, one of the dudes. But with Joanna, I'm a butch lesbian. We did meet origionally at Formerly Known As, the biggest queer and trans party in the city. I passed as a pre-t, pre-op transman and no one questioned it.
Maybe im overthinking this too much. She approached me while I was clearly binding and looked like a teenage boy, so maybe she knows, or guessed it, or doesn't give a fuck. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see where the conversation goes.
I'm rambling a lot here.... um. Going home next week. I'm excited about it, but a little freaked out too. It's always weird to go back to my moms house. I'ts like Im a guest there now, sleeping on the couch, while my mom gets all excited to spend time with me and go shopping, and actually cooks things that didn't come frozen. I havn't figured out how I'm going to deal with binding. Or possibly not deal with it. She has no idea about it, and I'm not sure I wan't to have that conversation right now. Although it would kind of be a continuation of a conversation from last year, when we sat in the hotel bar drinking jack and cokes after mikes wedding. The genderqueer thing breifly came up, but it was breif, and whiskey had been involved, so I don't really consider it comming out. At least not comming out as my current gender expression.
I'm hoping to make a new binder soon, probably tomorrow so depending on how that works out i'll probably bind when I'm home, but the ace bandage is too much of a hassle without having a bedroom.
This has gotten too long........ so goodnight.
5.13.2009
A little bit of gender rambling before work
So... I guess the blog is back and heading in a new direction of sorts. Still me and my story for the most part though.
I've come to the conclusion that for me, work is the most gender restricting, uncomfortable place in some ways. Despite being gender neutral in many ways, the uniforms completely enforce the binary of gender, and I feel like I'm being assigned the "correct" side to fit into. Basic work uniform- Black pants, white collared shirt, Black hat, black Apron. Thats cool. I can wear mens clothes to work and it's considered conforming to the uniform. That works for me. But he'res the kicker. Men wear ties. Everything about the dresscode is identicle except that Men wear ties, and women do not. So what does this mean for me? Most days a lot of quiet turmoil as I deal with being constantly percieved and referred to as female, and hearing the words her, and she, and miss, and sometimes sweetie or hun from the geriatric crew, all referring to me. I't gets pretty grating after 8 hours.
And I don't know what to do about it. Are they wrong to refer to me with female pronouns? Well, no... not totally wrong, but not right either. So.... He. HIm. Sir? Maybe that would be better. But would it be right? Not entirely, but again not totally wrong.
I gotta run to work. I'm sure I'll have more to post later.
I've come to the conclusion that for me, work is the most gender restricting, uncomfortable place in some ways. Despite being gender neutral in many ways, the uniforms completely enforce the binary of gender, and I feel like I'm being assigned the "correct" side to fit into. Basic work uniform- Black pants, white collared shirt, Black hat, black Apron. Thats cool. I can wear mens clothes to work and it's considered conforming to the uniform. That works for me. But he'res the kicker. Men wear ties. Everything about the dresscode is identicle except that Men wear ties, and women do not. So what does this mean for me? Most days a lot of quiet turmoil as I deal with being constantly percieved and referred to as female, and hearing the words her, and she, and miss, and sometimes sweetie or hun from the geriatric crew, all referring to me. I't gets pretty grating after 8 hours.
And I don't know what to do about it. Are they wrong to refer to me with female pronouns? Well, no... not totally wrong, but not right either. So.... He. HIm. Sir? Maybe that would be better. But would it be right? Not entirely, but again not totally wrong.
I gotta run to work. I'm sure I'll have more to post later.
5.08.2009
FKA and liking me
I had an awesome couple days recently, but it sucked at the same time. Work is work, it kinda sucks, but its good to be off unemployment, and actually having spending money beyond rent and ramen for almost 5 months. I can actually save money now, and paying tuition, and a biking vacation actually seems possible now.
This semester is almost over. My business plan has been turned in, even though we didn't manage to completely finish it. We had a lot of problems getting together to work on it around everyones class and work schedules. No surprise that it turned into a last minute cram session, complete with compatability issues between my laptop with open office, and the Vista computers at school (that we had to print through) with Microshit word. I have a take home final to finish by thursday, an in class exam on monday night, 2 finals on thursday, and a presentation on thursday, and I'm done. Plus working 30 hours a week. I don't expect to sleep much in the next week.
Finally onto the real topic of this post... FKA and liking me. I've randomly been thinking a lot in the past week about my gender and sexuality. In the past 6 years or so I've come out several times. I've changed my mind between Bisexual and a lesbian, and again to queer after dating an FTM transexual. I've questioned gender a lot too. I was raised steryotipically feminine, including ballet lessons, figure skating, and girl scouts. I dated guys because it was expected of me, and I didn't question it.
Thats all changed though. i finally acknowledged my attraction to women, I came out, I rejected the ideas of "how women are supposed to look and behave", and began to identify as queer, androgenous, and pansexual. So anyway, I've been thinking more about gender and shit, and after tonights amazing experience, I think I've found my self. at least for now.
I have bound my chest on occasion, treating it as a social experience, observing peoples reactions, and judging how I felt about it. I realized that it felt right to me, and that I feel the most comfortable in the grey area. A couple days ago I decided to bind full time, and for the past couple days I have honestly felt comfortable with myslef and my appearance.
Went out to FKA (Formerly Known As) at Big Chicks tonight, with my tits strapped down, and hair gelled up, and fit right in with the transmen, and all the self consious-ness I had felt going out before was gone. I got checked out by gay men and femme chicks, was told several times how cute girls thought I was. If it wasn't for work in the morning, I could have easily hooked up tonight. I did get a hot make out session with a super cute girl tonight though, so still a win.
Newton, Andrew and Tito were amazing tonight too. Also commenting on how I'm a cute boy, and randomly referring to me as he. Newton said that he noticed i seemed more comfortable tonight than he has seen me in a long time. I feel like I;m kinda rambling here, so I'll try to get to some kinda conclusion here...
I'm a biologically female, genderqueer boi. I'm stuck in the middle between male and female, without feeling like either is correct. I'm me.
This semester is almost over. My business plan has been turned in, even though we didn't manage to completely finish it. We had a lot of problems getting together to work on it around everyones class and work schedules. No surprise that it turned into a last minute cram session, complete with compatability issues between my laptop with open office, and the Vista computers at school (that we had to print through) with Microshit word. I have a take home final to finish by thursday, an in class exam on monday night, 2 finals on thursday, and a presentation on thursday, and I'm done. Plus working 30 hours a week. I don't expect to sleep much in the next week.
Finally onto the real topic of this post... FKA and liking me. I've randomly been thinking a lot in the past week about my gender and sexuality. In the past 6 years or so I've come out several times. I've changed my mind between Bisexual and a lesbian, and again to queer after dating an FTM transexual. I've questioned gender a lot too. I was raised steryotipically feminine, including ballet lessons, figure skating, and girl scouts. I dated guys because it was expected of me, and I didn't question it.
Thats all changed though. i finally acknowledged my attraction to women, I came out, I rejected the ideas of "how women are supposed to look and behave", and began to identify as queer, androgenous, and pansexual. So anyway, I've been thinking more about gender and shit, and after tonights amazing experience, I think I've found my self. at least for now.
I have bound my chest on occasion, treating it as a social experience, observing peoples reactions, and judging how I felt about it. I realized that it felt right to me, and that I feel the most comfortable in the grey area. A couple days ago I decided to bind full time, and for the past couple days I have honestly felt comfortable with myslef and my appearance.
Went out to FKA (Formerly Known As) at Big Chicks tonight, with my tits strapped down, and hair gelled up, and fit right in with the transmen, and all the self consious-ness I had felt going out before was gone. I got checked out by gay men and femme chicks, was told several times how cute girls thought I was. If it wasn't for work in the morning, I could have easily hooked up tonight. I did get a hot make out session with a super cute girl tonight though, so still a win.
Newton, Andrew and Tito were amazing tonight too. Also commenting on how I'm a cute boy, and randomly referring to me as he. Newton said that he noticed i seemed more comfortable tonight than he has seen me in a long time. I feel like I;m kinda rambling here, so I'll try to get to some kinda conclusion here...
I'm a biologically female, genderqueer boi. I'm stuck in the middle between male and female, without feeling like either is correct. I'm me.
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