Some late night rambling

Lots of things going on right now. I'm done with school for the semester. My job is going well, and I'll probably be getting more money soon. I'm dating a super cute, awesome artist beer drinking girl, and I'm kinda nervous about our date tomorrow night. First official date maybe? I'm going to Vermont next week, I leave on Sunday afternoon. My birthday is next tuesday and I'm going to be 25.

On the surface, my life kinda rocks right now. I appear to have direction in my life. I guess I'm happy. Still kinda off though, and still lots of things that are wrong. Somehow I'm still wrong.

Lets start with Joanna. (What is it about the name Joanna..... na) Shes great. She's super cute, and kinda girly but a little punk too. Artist, works with kids. We talked about photography and she wants to teach me some stuff. Photography adventures! Yay! But at the same time, she is a lesbian, and she is attracted to me as a woman... not some gender fuck up of a tranny boi who cringes a little at his female pronouns, even though its not entirely wrong.

I dont know if calling it disphoria is correct, but its been fucking with me lately. Specifically how does my gender, or possibly lack of a gender fit in to having a girlfriend? What does that make me to her? Am I her girlfriend? Boyfriend? Boifriend? Parner? lover? And what do I even want to be? Ideally I would love to talk to her about it, and explain from the beginning that I am genderqueer but more to the male side so possibly transgendered as well. I want to be open to her about binding my chest, how I like to be referred to with male pronouns at times. But I'm afraid to start that conversation. The people who know have been my chosen family for years, who I always have tons of support from. With Andrew and Newton, I'm a guy, he, one of the dudes. But with Joanna, I'm a butch lesbian. We did meet origionally at Formerly Known As, the biggest queer and trans party in the city. I passed as a pre-t, pre-op transman and no one questioned it.

Maybe im overthinking this too much. She approached me while I was clearly binding and looked like a teenage boy, so maybe she knows, or guessed it, or doesn't give a fuck. I guess I'll just play it by ear and see where the conversation goes.

I'm rambling a lot here.... um. Going home next week. I'm excited about it, but a little freaked out too. It's always weird to go back to my moms house. I'ts like Im a guest there now, sleeping on the couch, while my mom gets all excited to spend time with me and go shopping, and actually cooks things that didn't come frozen. I havn't figured out how I'm going to deal with binding. Or possibly not deal with it. She has no idea about it, and I'm not sure I wan't to have that conversation right now. Although it would kind of be a continuation of a conversation from last year, when we sat in the hotel bar drinking jack and cokes after mikes wedding. The genderqueer thing breifly came up, but it was breif, and whiskey had been involved, so I don't really consider it comming out. At least not comming out as my current gender expression.

I'm hoping to make a new binder soon, probably tomorrow so depending on how that works out i'll probably bind when I'm home, but the ace bandage is too much of a hassle without having a bedroom.

This has gotten too long........ so goodnight.